Dave Matthews, suck it.

I don't like Dave Matthews Band. Never have, never will. I liked the one song, The Space Between, but only because that movie was so good (Blackhawk Down).

I don't find you musically appealing!!! Along with the Beatles. And that's that. But what really grinds my gears is the fans. You are straight up ridiculous. In my experience with Dave, most people either love the band, or hate the band. There is no happy medium. Which is ridiculous, but whatever.

Yes you, Dave fan. Don't look at me like I shot your puppy when I tell you I don't like Dave. I didn't!!!! Your puppy is alive and kicking and probably loves DMB too because thats all you listen to. Ever. It's beyond me. When I tell you I don't like DMB, I'm not trying to mortally offend you--that is not my goal. In fact, I could care less that you like them and I do not. I'm just making the statement. 

So why, oh why, dear DMB fan, must you try and force me to like them??? You tell a Dave Matthews fan that you don't like Dave Matthews and there goes your night. "oh just listen to this one song, it'll change your life". NO IT WON'T!!!!! It will suck. and It will make me mad. So then, the rest of the night, a fan is trying to change your outlook. Just accept it!!! Why must I see like you???? I don't force you to listen to Lady Gaga or my emo shit of the week, or even Weezy, should you so protest (but really..who protests Weezy??). I mean you should, cause it's awesome, but i don't make you. 

Your puppy is alive. We're having a good time. Why spoil it with your instance that "dave is awesome, man."???

oh my.

Also, why is it that people who love Dave Matthews always refer to him as "Dave"? Are you guys BFFs? Do you reserve first name rights? People talk about him like they're long time friends, when they have probably never met. Ever. It's weird. Really, really, weird. 

(I'm sorry LeRoi died. may he rest in peace)

Also, put on shoes before you step on a rusty nail and get sick!!

(Sam..i love you and how you don't force your love of dave matthews on me and how you never wear shoes)

Secret Identity My Ass

ohhhh hi. I was just thinking about masquerade balls and the whole concept of masks. Most importantly, the television and movie kind.  Who writes this crap into movies? I like masquerade balls, like the New Years Eve ones. So it is not the ball factor I do not like (who doesn't like balls? get it? only kidding). What I do not like is how they're used in media to disguise identities. Seriously? Seriously????? You expect me to believe that a tiny piece of plastic disguises who the other person is?  I wore a batman mask when i was little, with my Robin pajamas. yeah, I was batman AND robin at once. But everyone knew it was me!!!! Because its a small piece of plastic with eye holes!!! And no amount of feathers and beads will that change that. (disclaimer: this obviously does not include face size masks and those that cover more than 3/4 of the face) 

The Cinderella Story Example:

Chad Michael Murray, you expect me to believe that you can't tell that this broad: 

isn't the same as this one???:

No wonder this was your last movie anyone heard of. You're stupid.

The Superman Example:

Oh Lois Lane. Silly Lois Lane. You're a reporter!!! Dedicated to truth, and justice. Truth my ass, you don't want to see the truth and report the truth because then, it would be revealed to the world that you're having an illicit affair with Superman, and you're not Wonder Woman, whom the whole comic book world thinks he should really be with.  As Brodie said in Mallrats, 

"It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child? He's an alien, for Christ sake. His Krypotonian biological makeup is enhanced by the earth's yellow sun. If Lois get a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryponite condom. That would kill him."

He's right Lois. Open your eyes and realize that this guy: 

Is the same as this guy:

and will you never have his kids. You'll probably get promoted up the glass ceiling for revealing Superman's true identity. Dump him, and go for a man whose ass you can kick, like Jimmy, the Daily Planet's adorably innocent photographer, who later was in the Dungeons and Dragons movie. Way to succeed, Jimmy.

So there you have prime examples of why masks on television shows are a big load of "bullpoodie", as my old roommate used to say. 

Dear URA2OOL...news flash. you're a tool.

As i've learned, and you probably already know, i hate a lot of things. (Please note that by hate, i don't usually mean hate as much as i mean "passionately dislike"or whatever that crap people say because "hate is such a strong word"). What do I hate? Vanity plates. Now, I do not dislike ALL vanity plates, just a few...i shall categorize and break down for you which and why:

1. 95STANG

Or something of the like. That was the dumbest one I could think of off the top i've my head. It's cool though, because I'm sure someone has it. Guess what, '95 Mustang driver....you're an idiot. Seriously. First off, your mustang sucks and looks like crap (for those who drives nice cars like porsche and benz and bmw, ignore that. you most likely don't resemble a hoopty and/or jalopy). Secondly, and more importantly, i'm not an idiot. I can see your car. With my eyes. I might wear contacts but my vision is not that damaged. I can see what kind of car you had! I can see that hood ornament, I can see the make and model printed on the car. I know what kind of car you have. So does everyone else. Restating the make and model of your motor vehicle on your license plate is stupid...it trashes it up. Think of all the cool things you could be doing with that extra couple bucks you spend each month on vanity plates. You could get an oil change! you could pay for crazy foreign parts it needs because you bought a snazzy german car! Just because you can afford a cool car, doesn't mean you need to restate the obvious. obviously!!! my car is the shit, and i don't have a vanity plate. everyone just knows.

2. DDYSLILOBNOXBRAT

yeah, ok, i know that's longer than any real license plate. but seriously.  Your license plate that says Daddys Little Girl, or ThanksDad! or Spoiled!! makes you look dumb. Now, I know your car is probably pink or yellow and a Volkswagon Bug, or Jetta, (here we are with the german cars again!), and maybe a Honda civic or something. Wow, do you look like a dumb cunt. (sorry, can i use that word?). Not to mention that fact that you're probably vacant, vapid and entirely obnoxious. You most likely think that Hawaii is next to Alaska because they go together on a map.  (Disclaimer: I do have a friend that thought that, but she's not qualified for this. She's incredibly smart, I love her, and she doesn't have a vanity plate).  Hey!! You should go on My Super Sweet Sixteen. I've already mocked you enough, your father may look ridiculous for buying you whatever you want because you whine about it, and if you could, i'm sure you'd have your car diamond encrusted. WOW what a waste of diamonds. But I digress. To summarize, the name "vanity plate" sums up how you represent yourself...vain. If you wanna thank your dad, parents, etc, for the car, drive safe, take care of it, and be responsible. Think of all the fake tan you could get with that extra money you (or daddy) wastes on your plates each month. ...tan...or plates...

3. URA2OOL

Here, I reveal to you, dear reader, that URA2OOL is a legit, existing license plate in the greater DC area. Specifically, where Fairfax meets Chantilly on Stringfellow road.  WOW. I've seen you dude, and i think its safe to say that you are the tool. First of all, you made that your license plate, which screams "help me, i'm afraid that by being a complete d-bag in my efforts to be cool that i look like a tool, so if my license plate calls other people tools, it will solidify my coolness!" WRONG. wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. fail. do not pass go, do not collect $200.  Haven't you ever heard the saying "takes one to know one?". stop...think about it...yes. there you go.  You're a tool, and officially always will be. I drove past your car on New Year's day. i wanted to leave a note that your new years resolution should be "to be less toolbaggy and get a new license plate." You pay monthly to reinforce your idiocy.

Again, I digress. You're just one person! I just passionately dislike vanity plates that make statements about other people or the speed your going (I know these don't relate, but for some reason i feel as though they belong in the same category); URA2OOL, 2CLOSE,  2FAST, 2FURIOUS, INAHURRY, whatever. hey INAHURRY, we're in traffic on the beltway. were ALL in a hurry, ass. The Fast and the Furious is a stupid movie, along with all sequels. Why would you automatically assume I'm too close? I probably am, but i'm working on it okay? But not everyone is!! You're making assumptions. To assume is make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Mostly you. Etcetera, etcetera. You get the picture. 

So readers, the few of you. Few and fabulous. This is my rant for the evening. Please don't fall victim to one of these categories, (yes, "woley" is a perfectly acceptable vanity plate, no "87PINTO" is not)

Also, shoutout to the best vanity plate i've ever seen.... "BEERLUVR". you rule. hey, if you have any plates that stick out in your mind as awesome or stupid, feel free to comment and contribute..